I need to chill the fuck out.

A few days ago, I learned a new pet peeve of mine.

I hate being in a room with new people and not being introduced. Especially when your friend brought you into the room and he is the link between the strangers and yourself. Just say something.

I've had an on-going fear for the last couple years that my hairline is receding and my hair is falling out/thinning. I think if anything even remotely makes me question this, then it has to be happening slowly over time.

Purge

My ex-girlfriend is gone, and now lives five hours away.

That can be interpreted in a straight-forward way, but to me, there is so much more meaning there. One of my best friends has moved away. My bass player has moved away. My band is in a state of hiatus and uncertainty.

She moved to Philadelphia to start the next chunk of her life. I won't lie, I worried when she didn't go to college after graduating high school. She took her time and did what she wanted to do, and over time, I respected her decisions, realized she was doing what she was wanting, and it was working, and basically became jealous. I wish I would have been able to take my time and let things play out as they should. She moved to the city for a year and worked two jobs, made a decent amount of money, bought things she wanted, and had a great time with new found friends. The band lived on, and we still hung out with all our friends back at home on occasion. Good for her. Take your time and decide what you want to do. She is moving to Philly to experience something new for the summer, and be settled in for school in the fall. School that she has put so much time and effort into planning and deciding and re-evaluating options. Proud of her.

But obviously, there is more to it than that.

This can all be combined with the fact that it is now June 1st, school resumes in August. I absolutely NEED an internship for both the Fall and Spring semesters to be a full time student, to get financial aid, and to graduate and finish up this four year fucking obligation. I have no desire to do this art thing anymore. I like painting here and there, and designing flyers. I like music and the art that relates to it. When my advisor, a nun, overly-structuralizes (I made that up) the Graphic Design curriculum, is extremely conservative in her style of teaching, and provides no sense of assistance in her advising, I feel like I made all the wrong decisions in my secondary education. And my friends have jobs, aren't stressing, and know what they want to do.

Now, this could all be overreaction. She could come home a lot and we could all get back together and have a good time every now and then. But coupled with the anxiety of the last few summers and the difficulty of getting our group of friends together, it just adds to the stress and the realization that we're all growing up and slowly piecing together the puzzle of turning into adults. You get caught up and its really hard to plan even a fucking bonfire that's been talked about for months. It freaks me the fuck out that my best friend from elementary school has his life planned out, he has an 18-dollar-an-hour internship this summer and knows what he wants to do. He can finish school and stay with this company. I can't even begin to force myself to look for an internship in the fall, let alone think about doing this shit for a living.

So even if this is a big jump for Kayla, I feel like it's also on the cusp of a new chunk of my unguided life. School is important, I have one year left, and after that year, I have no desire to work with computers or the programs I have "learned" to use in the past three years. I know what I like to do but at the same time I have no idea what I want to do.

Music is a big part of my life. I have put so much time and effort into trying to get to a state that I am satisfied with. I always tell myself and others I have no goals, and I try to find subconscious goals that may be lurking in my head, but all I find are little ones in music. Record something. Put out a physical object showing what I've done. Do a tour. These are all music related goals. Graphic design? What?

Now if anyone knows me, they know everything that has gone on with the band over the past... who knows how long when it comes to drummers and the trials and tribulations. Kayla moving to Philly may be a good thing, with Jorgan there, they could work on material and have me come in when they have done their parts. The way our band has been, this could be the best thing to happen to it in a while. But what are the odds of that? Even then, how can you keep something so long-distance going? I feel like The Hormones are basically done. I feel like all of my hard work, effort, patience, and trial and error through all these years of playing music has crumbled into nothing again and I'm back at the beginning. Sitting in the basement dreaming of a band, realizing how far out of reach it is. Playing nonsense for hours that only creates an headache and ringing in our ears.

So I am willing to try something new, start a new band, see if a long distance-Hormones works out, whatever. I'm always eager to accept a challenge and see what I can do. But in the end, the school thing just adds to the culmination of all the stress and should be my focal point right now. The ringing in my ears isn't going to go away, and neither is the stress.

I think that covers everything.